


you are my blue (just like always)

by sunnyangel (orphan_account)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, mentions of death multiple times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:00:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26023060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/sunnyangel
Summary: “Min,” he calls out to Jaemin. The latter turns to him, eyebrows furrowing in visible confusion. He meets Jeno’s gaze, and for a moment, it seemed as though Jeno was on the brink of completely fading away. His eyes — always so heavily guarded — stared at him with such frailty that it made his own heart ache from within. “I…”Jaemin braced himself for the impact. I love you, he expected him to say. Instead, all he heard was,“I’ll always wait for you.”Jaemin wishes to remember.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	you are my blue (just like always)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aokilovesjaehyun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aokilovesjaehyun/gifts).



> a big thank you for @aokilovenana for trusting me with this work. advanced happy birthday to you! all the love. 💓
> 
> \- sab

Jaemin remembers nothing of the past two years, nor does he remember anything before that.

The Park’s told him as much information as they can. They said that his name is Na Jaemin, and that he was involved in an accident prior to him being in a coma for almost two years. They told him about how both his parents passed away in the middle of it, and how they are going to take care of him for the time being. He knows he probably should be mourning for his loss, or that he should atleast feel a hint of sadness or grief with the news, but how can he feel for his parents’ passing when he does not remember even a tiny bit of them in his life?

He has no recollection of anything, not even his name or age, and although the Park’s seem to be kind enough to let him stay with them, he still feels as though it isn’t where he is supposed to be. When he stayed with them for a few months after being discharged from the hospital, he wondered if his life before the accident was of something similar to his current life now. He acted as one of the family’s house helpers, going out of his way around their lavish home all day to help with the chores. They fed him and provided a home for him, but he still cannot seem to place where their actual priority lies. Only Park Jisung was kind enough to welcome him and treat him as a friend and not as a mere stranger.

The youngest of the Park’s looks at him as though he is an old friend, as though he is a person he’s always looked up to. He never felt any discomfort when he spends time with Jisung, but despite that, he still cannot help but to have his mind wander in search for more.

Who was he before? What was his life prior to the accident?

He tried asking Jisung about it once, but he never got a concrete answer out of him. It’s always either an “I don’t know,” or a tentative shrug that leaves him hanging.

“But there’s still a chance for you, right?” The younger once asked him. “To regain your memories, I mean. The doctors said it’s not impossible!”

Jaemin shrugged. “I guess?” He says as he continues to fold his clothes. “I don’t think anything will change if my memories do return, though. I don’t think I’m anyone significant.”

“I doubt that…”

Jaemin turns to him, an eyebrow raised. “How can you say?”

“Well, I just think no one’s life is insignificant. Especially not yours…” Jisung bites his lower lip.

How can that be? Nothing else is left for him to claim, and no one else if waiting for him after he had gone astray. His life is just a series of push and pull now—a long drag of trying to remember, all while still failing. Perhaps, he thinks, there will come a time when he will finally get to reclaim his old self once again, and he anticipates for that time to finally come to him. Until then, all he can do is search in the dark.

“I think I need to look for a new job. What do you think?”

Jisung looks up from his laptop, eyes widening in a fraction of a second, the eyeglasses sitting atop of his nose bridge shifting lower down his nose. “A job?”

Jaemin nodded, his hair brushing lightly over his eyes. “Yeah, a proper job. I need to support myself, and I’ll be needing money to do that. You said I’m a degree holder, right? Would that be enough?”

“I guess…” Jisung seems to be reluctant. “But don’t you want to stay here?”

Jaemin shrugs. “I do,” he says, nodding at him. “But I can’t always rely on you and your family. You’ve done enough.”

Independence. It only seems fitting for him to eventually move out of the Park’s home. He wanted to live his own life, void of restrictions from other people.

During the first few weeks of Jaemin going on a job hunt, Jisung insisted on letting him move in to his penthouse for the time being. He figured it wouldn’t be that bad. Being in Jisung’s own place felt comforting, to say the least, as if he has already been there before.

“You can stay in this room. Everything you need is already in here.” Jisung says as he opens the door to one of his guest rooms. Jaemin starts to look around to familiarize himself with the place, but it seems as though he already knows where to go.

“Even clothes?”

Jisung nodded. “I already had your bags delivered and unpacked. If you need anything more, just tell me.”

Jaemin stared at the king sized bed in the middle of the room. Jisung glanced at him with curious eyes.

“Hey, Min?”

“Yeah?” Jaemin turns back to him.

“Do you really want to work all by yourself?”

“Of course. I want to earn for myself,” Jaemin furrows his eyebrows. “Why?”

Jisung slowly shakes his head. “Nothing,” he says. “But I might know someone who’s currently looking for a secretary.”

Jaemin raised an eyebrow. A secretary? It doesn’t sound so bad, but who would hire him in his current state? He barely remembers anything.

“I doubt someone would actually want to hire me as their secretary…” He said, sounding unsure of himself.

Jisung only pursed his lips. “He would hire you. Trust me.”

A few days later, Jaemin found himself staring at the high rise building of the Lee Industries, somehow feeling anxious and scared at the sight. Numerous people in business attires poured in by the entrance, and for a moment, Jaemin saw himself as one of them.

“Okay,” he breathes out a lungful of air. “I can do this.

When he takes a step forward, only then does he realize just how much is about to unfold in front of him.

-

Jeno’s life moves in a plethora of black and white. He has long since forgotten the series of colorful hues supposedly tainting his everyday life – his eyes now only being able to see his dull and lifeless world of darkness and nothing more. He sees himself in the mirror and sees not only the absence of color but also the lack of meaning his own self used to hold onto. To him, life is only an obligation. It is not meant for him to enjoy, not meant for him to appreciate and ponder on.

He breathes and eats and sleeps like any other human being in the planet. He works just like them, probably even twice as hard as some people do. He spends time with his family and friends, he mingles and talks to other people, and even go so far as having multiple one night stands in different occasions, and yet he still cannot seem to see anything other than black and white.

His days start and end with black and white. He opens his eyes first thing in the morning and sees nothing but the mere existence of something not quite enough to ponder on. He has long since forgotten the importance of living, but what is there to live for? He is not living, but simply existing enough for him to go through life.

A chorus of _“Good morning, Mr. Lee,”_ greeted him the moment he steps inside the building with his crisp black suit and usual poker face. He proceeds to ignore all of them as he graced the hall with his imposing presence, his eyes sharp and calculating as he strode towards the elevator. The staff, all male and female alike, scurried away to give him more space, their faces filled with fear mixed with a hint of admiration.

When the elevator doors opened, the people inside quickly retreated out to let him have the space all to himself. Jeno kept his eyes straight forward, chin upturned as though he carries the whole world on his shoulders. The sense of fear that other people gave him only fueled his pride and desire for power.

Sighing quietly all to himself, he gently pressed the button to his floor and waited as the doors slowly closed in front of him. He lifts his gaze up front, and in the sea of people coming and going, his vision tainted with only the presence of blacks and whites, he sees a flash of color.

Yellow as the sun, blue like the raging ocean.

A gasp.

“Jaemin!” He exclaimed, but his voice only fell on deaf ears as the doors closed in on him.

-

Jeno has been in love once.

If you were to ask him how the feeling of love felt to him, he would compare it to the quiet rage of beach waves lapping over the shore. His love, albeit fierce and strong and ready to take on the world, was still as calm as the sea on quiet days. He had loved with all his might, loved until his own body gave up on him, yet he still continued to feel, for his love was the only thing fueling him to live.

Jaemin taught him a thing or two about a thing or two. That love is indeed what makes others whole. Love is what makes a person, it is what molds and holds until someone is whole.

But Jaemin forgot to tell him that Love can also break, that it can also destroy and ruin what is already molded to perfection. Jeno thought they were going to last forever, for all eternity, but he never knew just how cruel life could be to them the moment he lost everything in front of his own two eyes. Every shard of glass that broke felt as though it was digging right into his chest and slowly tearing away into his still beating heart.

When Jaemin died, Jeno died with him.

_Non desistas, non exieris,_ his family always told him. Never give up, never surrender.

During those crucial moments, Jeno never wanted so much more in his life than to give in and surrender. When the news of Jaemin’s passing came about, he felt as though he had already died with him. He remembers completely giving up.

He remembers merely existing and nothing more.

Jeno enters his office with a loud _bang!_ as he throws the door wide open, his chest heaving up and down as he tries to steady his breathing.

“M-Mr. Lee!” One of his staff calls out to him.

Jeno turns to him, sending him a glare. “What?!”

“A-an applicant is waiting for you, S-sir…”

“What applicant?!”

“F-for the position of your s-secretary.”

Jeno furrows his eyebrows in annoyance, not wanting to deal with a random stranger especially after he had just seen someone who looked exactly like his dead boyfriend. Still, he knew he had work to do, and he had to remain professional as much as possible no matter how bad his day goes.

He clicks his tongue with his teeth, head tilting to the side before he turns to walk over his desk. He stares at the tall skyscrapers all racing towards the sky from outside of his office, the glass panels surrounding his space still failing to provide him space to breathe. “Send them in,” he says as he approaches his desk.

When he hears the door close behind him, he quickly grabs his phone from the inside pocket of his coat and starts to skim through his conract list, looking for his cousin’s number. Donghyuck might know what to do; he always does. Jeno trusts his judgement more than anyone.

“Hello?” Someone calls out as they knocked onto the door.

Jeno’s head snapped at the vaguely familiar voice, eyes widening in both fear and shock. For a split second, he felt as though his whole body was made entirely of glass and ready to break at any time. He watched as the door knob slowly turned, and when the door finally opened just enough for a head to peek out, it felt as if all the air was knocked out of his lungs.

He has long since memorized the art of Na Jaemin. It had once been his favorite past time, his eyes just quietly searching through Jaemin’s face as he memorized all of the distinct lines and crevices there is to memorize. Jaemin, to him, is a sight to behold. He knows him by his smile, knows him by the way he holds himself together. He knows him well enough to know that he will always be the love of his life, and he also knows him well enough to know, that despite the years passing by in agony, that the person in front of him right now is the same person that still holds the key to his heart.

“Uhm, good morning,” Jaemin, it seemed, greets him with a shy smile, his cheeks as rosy as Jeno remembered them to be. “I’m here to apply as the secretary…”

Jeno does not move away from his spot. He was too stunned to do so, his eyes wide in shock. The familiar man from the door stepped inside completely before closing the door behind him, his hands full of unnamed folders that seemed to contain his information. Jeno’s eyes darted to them, still confused and taken aback.

Jaemin shifts uncomfortably on his feet. “Uhm, my name is Na Jaemin—“

Jeno blinks once before he found himself taking long strides towards the man in front of him. Jaemin’s eyes widen in shock as he staggers backwards, his back hitting the door behind him with a thud.

“Y-you…” Jeno said, voice seething with anger and a hint of desperation. To be able to see Jaemin up close once again, after years of yearning desperately for him to come back, felt too surreal for him to immediately accept the possibilities. Jaemin is dead, and yet he is still here, as if the world is playing some cruel joke on him. “What are you doing here?”

Jaemin’s eyes widened. “W-what—“

“You’re not supposed to be here,” Jeno’s voice is low, the corners of his eyes brimming with tears. He grips both sides of Jaemin’s shoulders. The raw feeling of agony that once visited him in his greatest nightmare came back only to taunt him. It suddenly hurt to breathe. “T-they told me you were gone. Min, t-they said you were gone! W-what are you doing here?”

Jaemin furrows his eyebrows. He didn’t know what to say as he stares at the unfamiliar man in front of him. Surely, it was his first time meeting the current CEO of the Lee Industries, and he has never been aware of his existence until the Park’s mentioned them to him once. Jeno’s sudden outburst somehow scared him—perhaps, he made the wrong choice of coming in today, but he badly needed the job. If only his situation wasn’t so difficult to process, then perhaps he would not have to be here in the first place.

“I’m sorry, but,” Jaemin gently pries away the CEO’s hands from his shoulders. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jeno stared at him. How does one person come into terms with a peculiar situation like this? In his greatest dreams, this is what it looks like. A sea of colors and abundance of light. In his dreams, he always sees himself in a similar situation as this – eyes wide and yearning as he stares at the sight that is Jaemin’s face. He’s always longed for this to happen, desperately wished that one day it would come knocking at his door once again. In his greatest dreams, this is how he wanted life to become.

Yet, as he stares at the person in front of him now, he sees not his greatest dream but only the mere existence of emptiness in Jaemin’s eyes. He sees a stranger in those familiar set of eyes – the ones that used to admire him from both afar and up close.

How does one person come into terms with this?

“Sorry,” Jaemin apologized, his cheeks flushing a deeper shade of red as he scratched the back of neck with his free hand. “My condition is quite difficult to explain since I don’t know much about it either, but–“

“What condition?” Jeno snapped. “What are you talking about?”

Jaemin handed one of his files to him reluctantly. “All of my needed information are in there,” he said as he bit his lower lip. Jeno continued to stare at him, his glare sending shivers down Jeno’s spine. The man scared him enough for him to consider leaving the place. Although the position as his secretary sounds appealing, he would never want to be in a work environment he is not comfortable in. “My resumé and credentials are also included inside that folder…”

Jeno quickly skimmed through the file, unable to comprehend even a single word written on the papers. He read Jaemin’s profile, seeing all of them as accurate and yet how come it seemed as though it is still not quite right? He skipped through a few lines and sees a familiar name written at the footnote.

_In case of emergency, please contact Park Properties and Development Industries._

“Park?” He snaps back to Jaemin. The latter stared at him with wide eyes. “You’re with the Park’s?”

Jaemin swallowed thickly. “Uhm, yes—“

“Why didn’t you tell me?!”

“Excuse me?”

Jeno ran a hand through his styled hair, his jaw clenching once, twice. He can already feel his patience reaching its limit. “Min, why didn’t you tell me?! What happened to you?! Where were you?! Why—“

“I’m sorry, but I don’t remember you!”

_I don’t remember you._

He had never known the amount of pain words can bring to a person up until he got to experience such a harsh reality himself. _I don’t remember you_ , is what Jaemin told him. _I don’t remember you,_ is what he hears and nothing more. How can he be standing in front of the person he yearns for the most and still feel as though he is trapped inside one of his greatest nightmares? He sees Jaemin in all his glory, and yet he still feels the pull of something unimaginable tugging brushing on his fingertips.

How can he be able to comprehend such words when all he has known in his life is only the existence of ‘ _I love you_ ’s’ and never _‘I don’t remember you’_?

Jeno stares blankly at the floor, his lips parting in shock as he lets his shoulders sag completely. Jaemin purses his lips at him, his head throbbing lightly.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes once again. “I-I think it’s better if I just leave…”

“No,” Jeno shakes his head. “You’re not leaving.”

“W-what?”

He lifts his gaze to meet Jaemin’s eyes. “You’re staying here with me. You’re not getting away from me again.”

Jaemin was about to protest when Jeno turns his back against him, a phone in his hand. He stares at the latter’s back as he watched him dial a number before placing his phone against his ear, muttering a string of curses under his breath. Jaemin stood dumbfounded to it all.

“Hello? Park Jisung, we need to talk…”

Jaemin wonders if there will ever come a time when he will have to stop playing the ridiculous game of push and pull. The past few months have been more than difficult for him, having to deal with constant questions he never knew the answer to. Until now, even as he has faced countless of facess already—all different to his eyes every time—he still cannot seem to find himself to remember.

Jeno shoots him an incredulous glare, and while Jaemin felt himself cower under his gaze, he cannot seem to find himself grow overly fearful of him. Lee Jeno, as he spends little of his time analyzing the man, seemed to be on the verge of a breakdown. Lee Jeno seemed to be a man with wasted years and an abundance of heartbreak.

“He’s fine!” Jeno hisses over the phone. Jaemin hears a familiar muffled voice from the other line. “I just need you to explain to me everything!”

Jaemin watches quietly as Jeno listens to his phone, his eyebrows furrowing in frustration.

“I’m his boyfriend!” He exploded. “I had the every right to know, but I was left in the fucking dark! At least have a bit of decency in your bones and tell me everything _now!_ ”

Jaemin bit his lower lip, starting to feel more and more confused. The doctor had told him it would be alright for him to go outside now, but the stress that was starting to creep up to him seemed too impossible to contain.

He wishes he remembers more than what he was told. He didn’t like being kept in the dark, and with the arising confusion that somehow managed to bite him in the tail, things made sense less and less.

He looks at Jeno once more and catches him staring indignantly, as if he is a puzzle to be solved. He felt his heart stutter when he met his eyes.

He can only sigh.

-

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?!” Jeno balls his hands into a fist after Jisung explained everything to him. Jaemin bit his lower lip at his sudden outburst, feeling quite guilty at the sight of tears threatening to escape his eyes. Jisung kept his back at them as he stared at the high rise buildings outside of Jeno’s office.

“I wasn’t in the position to do that,” Jisung sighed. “If I could, then I would have already told you everything immediately. My family and I were all torn in between too, Jen. I’m sorry…”

Jaemin furrowed his eyebrows. He sat at the edge of Jeno’s L shaped couch. He stared at his fingers resting atop of his knees, listening attentively to the discussion. He barely understands anything at all. Why is Jeno so angry? And why does Jisung have to apologize?

“Did his family pay you?” Jeno spat. “Tell me, Jisung! His family bribed yours?!”

Jisung turns harshly to meet Jeno’s glare. “Is that how to think of us? Easily swayed by money?”

“Then, what was the reason?!”

Jaemin winced at Jeno’s voice, his head lightly throbbing. He gently massaged his temples with his index fingers, and Jeno had to do a double take before he called in one of his staff to bring him a glass of water. Jaemin quietly thanked them as Jisung stared at him worriedly.

“I’m sorry,” Jisung says, his statement directed to the both of them as he guiltily stared at Jaemin. “His parents made us sign a contract, and I didn’t know how to find a loophole around it until it was deemed ineffective after he woke up. If I had the chance, I would have told you already, Jen.”

“You never once thought of helping him?”

“I did! Trust me, I really did, but,” Jisung runs a hand through his neatly trimmed hair, his glasses slowly falling across his nose bridge. “I didn’t know _how_. He’s my best friend, Jeno. You think I wasn’t struggling as well?”

Jaemin tilts his head to the side. Jisung is his best friend? After months of spending his time with the younger, he had always felt some sort of misplaced comfort coming from him. After all, how can a person like Jisung care so much for a stranger like him?

“I’m taking him with me,” Jeno says through gritted teeth. Jaemin’s eyes fleet over to him for a moment. “I’ll look after him from now on.”

“Jeno, you can’t do that—“

“No,” Jeno turns sharply to Jaemin. His _boyfriend._ “You’re staying with me from now on.”

Jaemin wanted to protest, and he knew Jisung wants him to do so as well. In his current life now, Jeno is no one but a mere stranger in his life. Lee Jeno is a man of his past, and his past holds no significance to him now. Still, he cannot help but to see someone familiar whenever he lets himself grab the opportunity to steal a look at the CEO.

Jeno is familiar like the slow arrival of summer. The heat that ignites from within him sparks a flame in his veins, and he cannot help but to find himself slowly succumbing to the warmth that radiates off Jeno despite his harsh demeanor. He wonders if the CEO has always been closed-off to everyone. If he was his former lover, then how come? He can’t see himself loving such a cruel natured man.

“Don’t I…” He glances warily at Jeno. “Don’t I get a say in this?”

“Min, it’s completely up to you.” Jisung tells him.

Jaemin bites his lower lip. He takes another swift glance at Jeno and find himself meeting a familiar gaze.

_Eyes that once used to look at him and be able to see the whole world. Eyes that once shone brighter than the stars._

Jeno is familiar in every way he cannot seem to comprehend. Jeno feels familiar enough for him to think of his forgotten family.

Who is Lee Jeno to him? Who _was_ Lee Jeno to him?

“Please give me some time to think about everything…”

Jeno clenches his jaw repeatedly, and Jaemin had to tear his gaze away from him to refrain himself from collapsing. He can feel his own heartbeat accelerating, a loud drumming noise in his ears bombarding his head with jabs of pain shooting through his spine.

_A familiar hand holds out to him, waiting and expectant. Jaemin lifts his gaze towards the man and sees a bright smile and crescent shaped eyes. Jeno is bright like the sun._

Jaemin spares another glance at Jeno and sees him glaring at Jisung. The man in his memories seemed to be an entirely different person.

Who was Lee Jeno before?




Jaemin cannot seem to wrap his head around he fact that he once used to live a life similar to the Park’s. It took him a full week to be able to adjust to the growing confusion inside of him. Jisung did his best to tell him as much as he could about his background without causing him to strain himself with the information presented to him, but the more he finds out of his own self, the more he sees himself slipping farther and farther away from the present time.

He lets out another sigh as he gently stirs the coffee he just made. A few days after meeting him for the first time, Jeno contacted him again about his offer, in which he politely declined once again, but upon finding out that the position as his secretary is still open – specifically for Jaemin only – he quickly grabbed the chance and figured nothing too bad would happen to him and that he would still be able to earn money for himself. The doctor had avised him to surround himself with familiar acquaintances, and he supposes Jeno is one of them, right?

“Who is that for?” A staff from the front desk asked him warily when she sees him holding a tray with his newly made cup of coffee.

“Uhm, for Mr. Lee.”

Confusion etched its way onto the female staff’s face, her forehead creasing slightly as though she is assessing what she had just heard. “Mr. Lee doesn’t drink coffee,” she says.

Jaemin bites his lower lip and glances at the steaming cup. “Oh,” he mutters. “I’ll just leave it on his desk in case he changes his mind.”

He turns his back on her and quietly trudges towards the door leading to Jeno’s office. He sees Jeno’s hunched figure first upon entering the room before he closed the door behind him with a quiet squeak.

“What is that?”

Jaemin stands a couple of meters away from Jeno’s desk, still reluctantly holding the small tray of creamers, sugar, and a cup of coffee. “Coffee…” he trails off, voice smaller than usual. When Jeno only stared at him, he bit the inside of his cheek and said, “I made it for you.”

Carefully, Jeno closes his laptop with a faint snap. Jaemin waited for the scolding as he stood frozen on his spot. It was difficult for him to navigate through Jeno’s emotions, and the thought of having to face his rage on his first day as his secretary seems too frightening for him to see.

Jeno gestures at his desk. “Leave it here.”

Jaemin blinks once. He stares at the oak wood desk warily before approaching it with caution. He sets the small tray on top and grabs a packet of cream.

Jeno tilts his head to the side. “How did you know I like cream in my coffee?”

Jaemin turns to Jeno and sees his forehead creasing in confusion. He takes a quick look at the cup of coffee before shrugging his shoulders hesitantly. “I… I just figured you would?”

A flash of grief filled Jeno’s gaze for a split second. Jaemin tears his gaze away from him and lets out a quiet sigh.

_“I made you coffee.”_

_He sees himself in a haze of whites and browns, surrounded by warm painted walls and porcelain plates. A familiar man embraced him from the back, holding his waist tenderly as if his life depended on it._

_“Morning,” Jeno mumbles as he placed a soft kiss on Jaemin’s cheek, smiling brightly in the early morning. “With cream?”_

_“Of course,” Jaemin says and turns to meet Jeno’s lips._

Jaemin closed his eyes at the unfamiliar memory. Jeno notices his discomfort, and holds out a hand to him, his stare hard and indignant.

“What’s wrong?”

Jaemin places a hand on his temple, feeling a growing pain make its way through his head for the first time in a couple of days. Jeno stands up from his seat and quickly approaches Jaemin just as the latter’s knees gave up on him. He catches Jaemin swiftly in his arms, supporting his weight as he lets him lean onto his firm hold.

“M-min,” Jeno stammered, the familiar name rolling off his tongue swiftly. It felt foreign to for him to say. “What’s wrong?”

Jeno guides Jaemin towards the nearby L-shaped couch and gently sets him down. Jaemin groans and rests his head against the nearest figure next to him, Jeno.

“My head hurts…”

Jeno lets Jaemin rest against his shoulder, his body growing stiff. Jaemin smells familiar. “Do we need to call a doctor?” He asks, trying his best to mask his panic.

Jaemin lightly shakes his head. “‘S fine, this happens a lot.”

Jeno takes a look at Jaemin’s face and sees him with his eyes closed. “It does?”

“Mhm,” Jaemin sighs against Jeno’s shoulder. “Usually when I there’s too much information to process or when I vaguely remember a few things from the past.”

Jeno remains glued onto the couch, his body still as stiff as wood. “Did you…remember anything significant earlier?”

“I don’t know,” Jaemin opens his eyes and meets Jeno’s gaze. He feels the latter stiffen next to him, breath hitching at the sudden contact. “But you were in it.”

Slowly, Jaemin leans away and detaches himself from Jeno. He can still feel his head pounding, his vision a blur of steely gazes and dark hair.

Jeno clenches his jaw. “And? What else?”

“Nothing more,” Jaemin sighs. He feels frustrated having to say it out loud. “Just you, me, and coffee.”

Hurt flashed across Jeno’s face in a split second, the emotion barely noticeable unless you looked closely. Jaemin barely registered the sight before his own voice was nowhere to be found. He didn’t know why, but the small signs of Jeno’s own discomfort stirred the growing storm at the pit of his stomach.

“Jeno,” he calls out softly. “Who… Who are you?”

Jeno swallows the lump in his throat. “What do you mean?” He asks, and Jaemin notices the way his lower lip trembled for a moment, his voice growing fainter and lower.

“I don’t remember you…”

Jeno clenches his fists.

“But I feel like I should.”

“Don’t force yourself,” Jeno quietly leaves the couch. “Your memories will come back eventually.”

“And if they don’t?”

_Then, we’ll make new ones._

-

Jaemin is the talk of the town.

He is well aware of the gossips surrounding him in his own workplace. He notices other people’s stares, notices how people would whisper shamelessly whenever they see him down the hallways of the company. He is, after all, the newest favorite of their boss.

His first month of working for the Lee Industries consisted of uneventful tasks that seemed to have rattled almost everyone within the company. He does his work efficiently, just as he is expected to do, but his constant interaction with Jeno outside the office and their casual chatters in between seemed to have made everyone lose a bit of their edge around him. Jeno greets him timidly during the mornings, and multiple pairs of eyes will dart towards him as though he is some kind of a saint. Coffees have been a daily task for him now — a sight many refuses to believe, because how could they? Their CEO never drinks coffe. With how many previous secretaries have been fired because of the same exact, yet petty, reason, everyone is already bound to know the small information; yet, there goes Jaemin, delivering it to Jeno every morning like it is something they have always been doing for the past years. Jaemin is the only one who can come up to Jeno and receive a smile. Jaemin strikes up a conversation with their boss so casually, some would even swear they used to be close friends — or maybe even something more. Jaemin is the only one who Jeno would willingly look at in the eyes with nothing but fondness glazing them, and it’s got the people talking. Who is Na Jaemin to their boss?

Rays of sunlight filters through the blinds hanging from the glass panels inside Jeno’s office. Jaemin huffs out a breath, his cheek tainted with a bit of the golden light that slipped inside the room, dust particles dancing in front of his vision while he carefully goes through Jeno’s schedule for the next day once again.

He hears the door open and close behind him, the familiar squeak filling the room and accompanied by light and seemingly careful footsteps. Jaemin lets out a sigh, feeling the ever so familiar presence of Jeno.

Jeno is familiar, he muses, quietly and all to himself. The past month that had passed was a whirlwind of nothing else but familiarity and misplaced feelings. He is slowly starting to remember the littlest of details from the past years, yet nothing too significant for him to know who he actually is. He remembers seeing a glimpse of his parents, and even glimpses of the Park’s and other people — acquaintances, he presumes — mingling with him in crowded places that seemed to only be for the elite. He remembers seeing Jeno as well, a different kind of him compared to now. Jisung is not quite sure what to make of his vivid memories, but he presumes they were enough for him to get acquainted with some of his old friends. He barely remembers them, though.

“Have dinner with me.” Jeno says as he saunters across the room to meet Jaemin. “Donghyuck and Mark wants to see you.”

Jaemin perks up at the mentioned names. Donghyuck and Mark?

“My cousins,” Jeno adds, noticing Jaemin’s sudden reluctance.

Jaemin turns to him with a smile, his brown hair getting caught under the rays of the slowly setting sun from outside. It illuminated the back of his head, casting a shadow over his face. Jeno’s breath hitches at the back of his throat. Jaemin is still as beautiful as he remembers.

“Have I met them before?” Jaemin asks, still quite unfamiliar.

Jeno nods. “Donghyuck is one of your closest friends aside from Jisung.”

“Oh.”

Jaemin vaguely remembers a boy almost around his height.

_“Come on, Min!” Donghyuck guffaws, his tanned skin glowing under the afternoon sun as they sat outside their grandfather’s ancestral house. “Uno isn’t fucking hard!”_

_Jaemin groans and throws his head back in annoyance. The boy before him — someone who is also around his age with slightly curly black hair and wide, doe-like eyes — had dropped a +4 card on him, making his pile of cards grow more in his hands._

_“Mark, that’s not nice,” a younger version of Jeno glares at the boy sitting beside Jaemin._

_“What?” Mark’s eyes widens. “It’s not my fault!”_

“Min? Are you listening?”

Jaemin starts to blink rapidly, snapping out of his thoughts. “Uhm, yeah, sorry. I zoned out.”

“It’s fine. Are you done? Mark and Donghyuck are already on their way.”

After Jaemin gathered his belongings, the two of them leaves the company in a comforting silence. Multiple pairs of eyes followed them until they disappeared from their sights, and as Jaemin quietly thanks Jeno when he opens the door to the passenger seat for him, he realizes just how uncanny their arrangement is. If someone were to tell him he would be in this position a few months ago, he would have never believed them. He has always been in the dark, but the more days slowly pass by in a calm breeze, the more he starts to see light peeking through small cracks.

He scans the restaurant they set foot in, his movements careful and timid compared to Jeno who seems to have been too comfortable as he strides along the rented private room. Jaemin spots two moving figures at the end of the room, vaguely recognizing their faces before he feels an arm snake around his waist.

Jaemin yelps, jumping on his spot. Jeno turns to him, his hold still firm and keeping him in place. Jaemin can feel his cheeks heating up at his intimate gesture.

“Jeno…”

Jaemin turns his gaze and sees a man around his age, his hair quite thick and shaggy as they reached the tips of his ears and the back of his neck. His golden skin glowed under the bright lights of the room.

Donghyuck stares back at his old friend, his lips pursed into a thin line. Beside him stood another vaguely familiar man with gaunt cheeks and slightly curly black hair.

“How have you been, Hyuck? How is Canada?” Jeno asks as the four of them finally settles down.

Mark casts a wary glance at Jaemin, and the latters notices his tensed shoulders.

“Canada’s still the same,” Donghyuck says just as a waiter proceeded to pour him a glass of water. “What about you? How have _you_ been?”

Jeno turns to Jaemin and stares at him for a short while before letting out a sigh through his nose. Jaemin shifts uncomfortably on his seat, feeling two pairs of eyes burning a hole through him. Tension filled the thick air around them, and Jaemin had to resist the urge to leave the scene and sprint away.

“Good…” Jeno answers. One of their designated waiters for the night approached them with the menus. Jaemin takes one and starts to quietly scan the options.

“Good?” Donghyuck raises an eyebrow. “That’s all you’re going to say?”

“What else should I say, Hyuck?”

Donghyuck pointedly stares at Jaemin. “The least you could do is explain.”

“I don’t think now is the right time…”

Mark scowls at Jeno. “He’s our friend, too.”

Jaemin bites his lower lip and feels Jeno shifting on his seat beside him. He turns to him carefully, reluctance evident with the way he moves. A sense of familiarity washed over him when he meets Jeno’s piercing gaze, his eyes conflicted and calculating as he slowly puts his hand on top of Jaemin’s thigh, his thumb padding over his slacks.

“You’ll be fine, right?” Jeno asks, voice as gentle as his touch. Jaemin feels his neck flare up. He nods to him once.

“Min?” Donghyuck calls out, hesitant as though Jaemin is a piece of glass that is bound to break. “Do you remember me?”

Pain, Jaemin thinks, does not only come from long lost romantic love. He looks at Donghyuck and sees the lingering presence of longing and bewilderment across his face, voice straining with every word he utters. He wonders, ever so quietly, just how much of an impact he had left behind when the tragedy struck, of how much he had missed out on and how big of a trace he left after the accident. Two years almost seemed too quick for himself, but those two years were spent in agony by people he barely remembers. Donghyuck stares at him as though he is an enigma — a puzzle to be solved.

Slowly, he shakes his head, and he notices the way Mark tenses beside Donghyuck. He notices how Donghyuck slowly swallowed as he tries to hide the pain that was slowly masking over his face. He notices the light squeeze Jeno gave him from under the table, and he also notices the way he chest lightly throbbed at their reactions. They feel familiar to him, but familiarity can only do so much when he barely remembers the people he is supposed to know for his whole life.

Dinner passed by quietly, and by the time they finished eating their meals, Jaemin felt his shoulders slowly relaxing. Donghyuck still looks at him with slight confusion etched across his face, but they agreed on having Jisung over the next time they meet to be able to understand the situation fully. Jaemin cannot help but to feel guilty for wasting their time.

“Have you visited Taeyong hyung yet?” Jeno asks as the four of them walks over to their cars.

Donghyuck shakes his head. “Not yet,” he says. “Maybe we’ll stop by next week or so. Jaeun’s been wanting to see Mark for the longest time now.”

Jaemin turns to Jeno, but the latter already beat him to it. “My cousin’s daughter,” Jeno says. “Taeyong hyung’s married to Jung Jaehyun. You know the Jung’s, right?”

“They sound familiar…”

Jeno smiles softly and wraps an arm around Jaemin’s waist. Jaemin lets him.

“We’ll see you soon?” Mark turns to them as he opens the door to the driver’s seat, his eyes darting to Jaemin before going back to his brother. “Hopefully?”

Jeno nods. “Hopefully.”

When the four of the finally parted ways, and the busy road slowly turned familiar as they entered the vicinity of where Jisung currently resides, Jaemin finds himself sighing quietly to himself. Jeno turns to look at him with a pointed gaze, the lights coming from the streets fluttering over their faces in a haze.

“How are you feeling?” He asks.

“Surprisingly good,” Jaemin says as he starts to fiddle with his fingers. “They seem nice.”

“They are.” Jeno nods before silence ensued.

Jaemin stares at the rows of high rise buildings outside.

“They miss you, you know?” Jeno softly says with a sigh after a minute of silence. “Donghyuck and Mark, I mean. They were devastated, too, when we found out about what happened.”

Jaemin bites his lower lip and stares at his hands. “I wish I remember them.”

Jeno takes a turns and drives towards the building’s parking lot. “You will soon.”

“It’s been a month…” Jaemin turns to Jeno with a frown. “Aren’t you getting tired of it already? Because I am. I hate not being able to remember anything.”

“Which gives me more reason to stay with you, Min.” Jeno glances at him for a split second. “I can’t let you get away from me again.”

“And if my memories never return?” Jaemin shifts on his seat. The idea of not being able to remember again — not being able to remember the man beside him, of who he was then before he disappeared — made his stomach churn, and the growing dread sitting at the back of his head taunted him.

“Then, I’ll still be here.”

Jaemin sighs just as the car pulls into a stop. Carefully, he removes his seatbelt and waits for Jeno to leave the car before he does. Instead, Jeno remains on his seat.

“Min,” he calls out to Jaemin. The latter turns to him, eyebrows furrowing in visible confusion. He meets Jeno’s gaze, and for a moment, it seemed as though Jeno was on the brink of completely fading away. His eyes — always so heavily guarded — stared at him with such frailty that it made his own heart ache from within. “I…”

Jaemin braced himself for the impact. _I love you_ , he expected him to say. Instead, all he heard was,

_“I’ll always wait for you_.”

Jaemin wishes to remember.

-

Jeno’s patience is wearing thin.

He stares at the clump of files resting atop of his desk, the papers slowly fluttering repeatedly as his client continues to chat with his secretary. He wore a lopsided smile that seems to weirdly accentuate his features even more, and while Jaemin continues to ignore his blatant advances, Jeno, simply, cannot.

“What a charming secretary you have, Jeno.” Hwang Hyunjin turns to him with a teasing smile, completely oblivious of the CEO’s growing impatience. Jeno’s eyes darted to Hyunjin’s hand which is now slowly reaching out to touch Jaemin’s arm, and he feels his muscles tense at the sight. “Is he new here?”

Jeno raises an eyebrow at his question. Jaemin politely bows before taking a step back as he holds out some of the files Jeno asked for towards the client. He lets Hyunjin’s hand fall away from his arm.

“If you get tired of working with Mr. Lee here, you may give me a call.” Hyunjin grins.

“I don’t think that would be necessary,” Jeno says as he leaves his seat to go in between Jaemin and Hyunjin. He holds out a hand to his client with a stern gaze. “Thank you for stopping by Mr. Hwang. We’ll give you a call once we process the files you’ve sent regarding your requets.”

Hyunjin firmly shakes Jeno’s hand. “It’s a pleasure to be working with you, Mr. Lee.”

“The pleasure’s all mine.”

Jaemin shifts his weight onto his left foot as his gaze continues to follow Hwang Hyunjin’s retreating back. Jeno clenches his jaw before leaning against his desk.

“He likes you,” he says matter of factly after the client left the room.

“Hm?” It was Jaemin’s turn to look at Jeno, his eyes widening in confusion. “What do you mean by that?”

“Hwang Hyunjin,” Jeno’s gaze flickers over to Jaemin’s arm. “He likes you.”

“I highly doubt that.” Jaemin shakes his head with a small smile.

Jeno raises an eyebrow at him, jaw clenching repeatedly. “Do you like him, too?” He asks a bit too bluntly. Jaemin turns to him, an eyebrow raised.

“Excuse me?”

“I said,” Jeno huffs. “Do you like Hwang Hyunjin?”

“I barely know him…”

“You’re not answering my question.”

Jaemin shakes his head. “No.”

“Good.”

Jaemin raises an eyebrow and notices the slight frown resting on the CEO’s lips, his eyebrows furrowing in irritation caused by something he simply cannot put his finger on. Jeno leans away from his desk and turns his back against his secretary, unable to mask his irritation furthermore.

He was never the jealous type to begin with, yet after being away from Jaemin for too long seems to have taken its toll on him. He wants nothing more than to claim Jaemin as his, but he also knows doing so would cause them more harm than good. Jaemin barely remembers him, after all, and although the past month and a half have let their relationship significantly improve, there are still instances when he notices the hesitation in Jaemin’s movements whenever he’s around. Jaemin is still Jaemin, but it seems as though he is still not the person he used to be.

“Are you jealous?” Jaemin asks as he stares at Jeno’s back.

Jeno bites his lower lip. “No,” he answers quickly. “Why would I be?”

Jaemin blinks once, twice, feeling a pang of hurt hit him where it hurts the most. He’s right. Why would Jeno be jealous?

“Right, sorry,” he says, embarrassed. “That was a stupid question.”

Jeno turns back to meet his eyes. “Do you want me to?”

Jaemin raises an eyebrow at his question. What does he mean by that?

“I don’t know…” He answers truthfully.

Jeno takes a step towards him, his breath hitching in his throat. Then, he takes another step back to keep himself in place. Jaemin stares back at him with his lips slightly agape, confusion evident with the way he studies Jeno’s restricted movement. Jeno clenches his fists at his sides and says,

“Can I kiss you?”

Jaemin blinks up at him. “W-what?”

“Can I kiss you?” Jeno repeats his question.

Jaemin swallows thickly as he finds himself nodding at his request. In a blur of motions, Jeno was suddenly in front of him, his hands cupping both sides of his face as his scent dominated Jaemin’s senses.

There was something artistic with the way Jeno moves his lips against Jaemin’s. Jaemin’s eyes flutters close at the sudden burning sensation brewing at the pit of his stomach, his neck ablaze as he parts his lips more for Jeno. His kisses felt familiar, and somehow comforting.

_“I love you, Min,” Jeno mumbles in between their feverish kisses._

_Jaemin gasps as he feels Jeno’s teeth nibbling against his lower lip, his mouth parting in awe, and- Jeno takes the opportuity to slide his tongue inside his boyfriend’s mouth._

_Jaemin pulls away. “I love you, too,” he breathes out. “More than my life.”_

Jeno was the first one to pull away. “Fuck…” he lets out a shaky breath, lips red and swollen. He stares at Jaemin with wide eyes, his hands still cupping Jaemin’s face. He was about to lean in for another kiss when he sees a single tear roll down Jaemin’s cheek.

Jeno gasps. “What’s wrong?”

Slowly, Jaemin opens his eyes with a whimper. “Jen…”He calls out.

Jeno visibly freezes on his spot. For years, he’s refused to have anyone call him by that nickname of his. It reminded him too much of what he had lost.

“Yeah?” Jeno answers to him, voice on the verge of breaking. “What’s wrong, Min? Tell me…tell me what’s wrong.”

Jaemin shakes his head as he leans away, wiping the tears running down hi face with the back of his hand. “N-nothing,” he says. “I just remembered something.”

“What was it?”

“Just you and I…” Jaemin swallows the lump in his throat. “And how much I loved you.”

Jeno slowly lets his hands fall away from Jaemin’s face. Suddenly, he feels as though he was slapped with the harshest truth he had to come to terms with.

Jaemin is alive, but he is not the same. Just as he is not the same as well after years of darkness.

Jeno only sees black and white.

-

Jaemin is struggling to remember who he was the moment he felt a surge of intensity come to him after he had kissed Jeno.

He stares at the golden light filtering through his own bedroom inside Jisung’s penthouse, his drapes swaying ever so lightly with the wind entering from his balcony as he drowns out the noise coming from his television. He holds his phone in his hands, his own reflection staring back at him blankly.

“Shit,” he groans and plops down to his bed, remembering what had just happened inside Jeno’s office a few hours ago. He didn’t mean to leave him so abruptly, but the sudden wave of embarrassment that washed over him was enough reason for him to leave the building without another word. He can still remember the stages of gried that went over Jeno’s face before he turned his back on him.

He raises his phone over his face and stares at his screen. There were a few missed calls from Jisung and even Jeno himself.

_Jisung:_

_Are you alright? Jeno said you left work early._

_Jisung:_

_Answer my calls, Min._

_Jisung:_

_There’s food in the fridge._

Jaemin sighs before swiping Jeno’s messages open.

_Mr. Lee Jeno:_

_I’m sorry._

Jaemin furrows his eyebrows at the first message. What is he apologizing for?

_Mr. Lee Jeno:_

_It was a mistake. I shouldn’t have kissed you._

Jaemin stares at the last message. A mistake? That was all there is to him? A mistake? With a huff, Jaemin shuts off his phone and throws it across his bed and onto the floor with a ligh thud. He closes his eyes shut and drapes an arm over his face.

He feels stupid. Of course, it was only a mistake on Jeno’s part. Why would he even want to kiss Jaemin after all that’s happened in the last month. He would never want to waste his time on a person like Jaemin who is practically a lost cause. Why would he?

Jaemin bites his lower lip in annoyance. He is beyond mad at Jeno, for saying that the kiss they shared was a mistake when it was obvious that the both of them had wanted it in the first place. Jeno was the one who wanted it to happen, but why is Jaemin the one being affected now? It was pure and utter bullshit to hear that from him, and it enrages him. At the same time, though, his own self is what irritates him the most.

Why is he so affected when he barely knows who Jeno is? It just doesn’t make sense for him to suddenly act the way he is acting when he barely remembers anything aside from glimpses of the past? He doesn’t know the intensity of his own feeling the way he used to do, and he is not the same person people used to know two years ago, so why does it hurt now?

Perhaps, the fact that he barely knows the intensity of his own feelings is what makes it worse for him. How far can he go on?

He finds himself staring at a framed photograph later that evening, his head a mess of what he is supposed to do next. Jeno was smiling brightly in the photo, his arm thrown over Jaemin casually as the two of them, along with Jisung, Donghyuck, and Mark posed for the camera. Jeno looked different in the picture, yet it still felt as though Jaemin knows who that person is. Jeno is different now, but the Jeno in his memories seemed more real compared to the man he sees now.

A heavy feeling settled in his gut. He takes out his phone and stares at the unread messages and missed calls.

He doesn’t know what came up to him so suddenly as he stands in front of Jeno’s doorstep in the middle of the night, knees slightly shivering from the cold. He knocks on the door a few times and waits as silence wraps around him like a blanket for almost a minute.

Shocked is what Jeno looked like after opening his front door.

“Min?” He breathes out.

Jaemin wasted no time. “Did you mean it?” He asks. “When you said the kiss was a mistake?”

Jeno’s eyes widens in a fraction of a second, the grip he has on the door tightening visibly as he stares at Jaemin with flushed cheeks. “W-what?”

“I want to know…” Jaemin takes a step inside. “If you meant what you said about the kiss. Was it really a mistake?”

Jeno takes a step back and lowers his gaze onto the floor. For a split second, he almost looked desperate as he lets his eyes wander everywhere but Jaemin. “No,” he answers truthfully. “It wasn’t a mistake.”

Jaemin lets out a breath. “Okay,” he says, sighing. “Okay…”

Jeno turns back to him, his forehead creasing at the sudden intrusion. He wanted to reach out for Jaemin, to touch him with his fingertips and let his palms roam around what used to be his. He wanted Jaemin to be his again, but he didn’t know if the odds would still be in his favor after the years of longing and grief.

“Why?” He asks instead. Jaemin meets his gaze. “What is it to you?”

Slowly, Jaemin shakes his head. “I don’t know…”

Jeno runs his hands across his face. “Min,” he calls out carefully. “Min, don’t let me get my hopes up. Why does it matter if I meant the kiss or not?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t.”

“I don’t know!” Jaemin desperately runs a hand through his disheveled hair. “I look at you and I see glimpses of memories I barely even remember! I look at you and see a man I barely even know, but I still cannot help but to stay close to you just because I feel like it’s the right thing to do. I don’t know who you used to be in my life, Jeno. I don’t know you at all, but I also know that I know you enough to stay.”

Jeno’s mouth falls lightly. “Do you like me?”

Jaemin lets out an exasperated sigh. “I don’t know!”

With a groan, Jeno tugs at Jaemin’s wrist and pulls him close to him. He lets his lips crash onto the latter’s soft pair, his tongue slipping inside Jaemin’s mouth smoothly as though he’s memorized it already. Jaemin shuts his eyes and grips Jeno’s shirt tightly, his fingers grasping desperately at the fabric.

They stumbled inside with nothing but quiet gasps and sloppy kisses, their feet dancing together in a blur of motions, bodies heating with the intense need to push and pull. Jaemin opens his eyes when he feels himself being pushed against the wall, groaning as he throws his head to the side while Jeno trailed feverish kisses down his neck.

“Jen,” he moans, a whimper escaping his lips, and he quickly bites down onto it to stop himself from making any more noises.

“Promise me you’re not getting away from me again,” Jeno says as he sucks a mark on Jaemin’s neck. “You’re staying with me from now on, and we’re going to fix this. Promise me, Min.”

“O-okay,” Jaemin managed to breathe out. “I promise— _fuck.”_

Jeno grips both sides of Jaemin’s hips as he continues to press kisses on his bare neck. Jaemin yanks on Jeno’s hair and pulls him away, lips parted in awe and eyes brimming with unshed tears. The sudden longing and desperation hit him square in the chest, and as he gazed upon the person in front of him — as he gazed upon Jeno with nothing but the need to remember, he sees a man who once had been the epitome of what happiness is to him.

“What’s wrong?” Jeno asks, his voice soft as he lets his thumb caress Jaemin’s cheek.

Jaemin bites his lower lip. “I want to remember you.”

“I’m still the same, Min,” Jeno whispers to him, but Jaemin only shakes his head as an answer. He knows that’s not true; his previous memories of Jeno only consisted of bright hues that danced around his eyes. The Jeno he knows now is nothing but that.

“I want to remember us,” he whispers. “I want to remember everything again. I want to know who you have been when I was gone…”

“You wouldn’t want to know that,” Jeno drops his hand from Jaemin’s face. “I was never the same when you left.”

“I still want to know you during those times,” Jaemin says. “I want to know all of you. I want to know how you lived during the years I was away.”

_What I did wasn’t living,_ Jeno thinks.

“It doesn’t matter now, Min,” he says as he slowly leans in to place another soft kiss on Jaemin’s lips. “What matters is you’re now here, with me.”

* * *

_Jeno saw everything crumble down slowly – piece by piece like leaves falling down the uneven ground and hitting it with a soft thud. Then, they started to fall out all at once._

_It was an avalance that Jeno did not know how to escape. His mind told him to run_ , _but all he felt in his bones during those times was the agony that quietly seeped through his skin and underneath his veins. He had gone deaf and blind the moment he was told of the news, his brain unable to register what had just been said._

_“Jaemin got into an accident,” Donghyuck told him from the other line after a minute of silence. He can hear the fear in his cousin’s voice. “They said… They said he was dead upon arrival.”_

_He refused to believe the news, thinking more of it as a façade to go against what he yearns for the most. When he saw everyone mourning around him, he found himself still stuck and waiting on the same spot he was left on. Jaemin isn’t dead, he thinks. He’ll never be able to accept that. To him, it is not a fact but merely a product of people’s minds._

_Yet, as days passed by, and when everyone else started to move on, he found himself lying wide awake at night, shivering, as he slowly came into terms with the fact that his boyfriend may never come back to him ever again._

_He was never a religious man. Unlike the Jung’s, his family were never the religious and traditional types of people, but when Jaemin passed, he had found himself silently praying to all the gods, desperately begging for their mercy. He prayed at every chance he got, he prayed until his knees went out on him, until his voice was nothing but a mere whisper. He prayed to them for Jaemin. He prayed, and prayed…_

_“He’s gone, Jeno,” his father told him desperately. Lee Donghae seemed to grow older the more he sees his son suffering all by himself. “You have to let him go. It’s been a year!”_

_But how can Jeno let him go when he gave a part of him to Jaemin? How can he still continue to live?_

_He looks at Taeyong and Jaehyun and wonders if he will ever get to have a second chance like them. He looks at Donghyuck and Mark as thinks if there will ever come a time where he will finally be able to leave everyone behind for love._

_But how will he be able to do that without Jaemin? How will he move past all of these without Jaemin?_

_When Jaemin died, he died with hm. This is not living. This is not what life is supposed to be._

_Jeno opens his eyes in the morning and sees nothing but the absence of color, as though Jaemin took everything away with him when he left. There’s a hollow feeling from within him, a space that was left agape inside of his chest. His heart, no matter how hard he tried, seemed to have been lost completely in the hopes of having to find Jaemin once again._

_Jaemin is not dead. He is alive. In Jeno’s dreams, that is where Jaemin resides._

_“Come back to me,” Jeno whispers to himself every night as he closes his eyes. He sees the smiling image of Jaemin, a hand reaching out for him. “Come home, Min. Come home…”_

_In his dreams, that is where Jaemin resides._

_He dreams of Jaemin during the night and wishes to stay there forever._

* * *

Jeno continues to trace small circles against Jaemin’s back, his chest pressed against the side of Jaemin’s head as they laid under the cover together, their legs entangled with one another.

“What are you thinking about?” Jaemin asks him quietly.

Jeno stares at the ceiling, biting his lip. “I don’t want to sleep.”

“Why?”

“Because,” Jeno sighs. “I’m afraid you won’t be by my side anymore the minute I wake up.”

He feels Jaemin sigh onto his chest.

“I’ll be here,” Jaemin says as he closes his eyes. “I’ll still be here, I promise.”

Jeno tightens his embrace around Jaemin and hopes for the best to come.

* * *

Jaemin is blue in the eyes of Jeno.

Blue like the surging waves, and blue like the clear sky.

“How has he been?” Taeyong asks him as the three of them watched Jaemin play with Jaeun around the ancestral house’s backyard. Jaehyun sits beside his husband quietly. “I heard his memories are slowly starting to improve?”

Jeno hums, taking a small sip from his cup of coffee. “He’s doing better now. He’s still getting treatments, but he’s starting to get better, thankfully.”

“How’s he coping?” Jaehyun asks him. “It’s been almost a year now, hasn’t it?”

“He still tends to get severe headaches here and there, but nothing too serious. Donghyuck and Mark have both been a great help to him as well.”

“What about you?” Taeyong raises an eyebrow at his cousin. Jeno turns to him, gaze nonchalant. “How have you been, Jen?”

Sighing, Jeno turns to look at where Jaemin is playing with his niece. Jaemin was laughing about something with Jaeun as the two of them continued to pick flowers from the recently mad mini garden.

Jaemin is blue in the eyes of Jeno. He is blue like the raging sea, blue like the serenity of the wind.

Jeno looks at him and sees color slowly returning to his once colorless life.

“I’m happy,” he says, not even a bit surprised that he actually meant what he had just said. “I’m happy and contented.”

Jaemin turns to where the others are and catches Jeno’s smile. He gives out a wide grin, his cheeks flushing pink.

Jeno’s life is filled with bright hues and an abundance of blue.


End file.
